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Stephen Wright Jokes

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'

I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says '1 inch = 1 inch'. I hardly ever unroll it.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday; twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My (new) phone has no 'five' on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know, my calendar has no 'seven's on it.'

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says 'Here, you can go.'

I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, 'Hey, these records are all blank.'

I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor.'

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

If you take an Oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said, 'Hi,' and she said, 'Hi,' and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?' and she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.' So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.' I said, 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name is Denise.' I said, 'Hello, Denise. I'm Bucky Goldstein.'

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

You know that feeling when you lean back too far on a stool and catch yourself just before you fall backwards? I feel like that all the time.
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